Trauma

Something I have learned is that trauma responses are something you can not control. Triggers can't be avoided.

The first year after Brandon passed away I would have people tell me that you just have to move on. I was moving on.  I have moved on. But there are still times that the trauma monster just pops up and won't leave you alone.

The biggest struggle I have these days is medical care. I thought I had been getting over it because I am now able to take my dogs to the vet without having anxiety. In fact I have gone months without any anxiety at all now. 

Until yesterday.

I made a doctor appointment with a new doctor.  Why? Because Brandon and I both saw the same doctor and I have canceled my appointment with that doctor 4 times because I just can't get myself to go. I thought this new clinic would solve my doctor issue.

Then I got there.. And realized it was in the medical building in the same parking lot as the hospital Brandon passed away in.  I was kind of ok as I parked. By the time I got in I was getting shaky.  I could hardly fill out my paperwork.

They called me back and took my blood pressure and it was 161/101. (I don't normally have high blood pressure). The nurse said something and all I could say was my husband died in this hospital two years ago. It's my first time back. 

By the time I was leaving I was feeling so sick.  I almost had to pull over a couple times on my way home. The whole evening I did nothing because I just couldn't. My vision was blurry and I just was not ok. I went to bed early. Had a few nightmares.

Thankfully I woke up today and am back to normal. I have to go back for blood work but I don't think it will be that bad. It won't be the first time again and I will definitely be praying on the way. 

The reason I want to share this is so that people that read this and know someone effected with trauma will understand and be better able to support them.  They don't need to hear that they need to get on with life. They know that. Just let them know that you know they are hurting and that you are there. Knowing you care makes so much difference. With the holidays coming up maybe send a card to someone suffering loss. It doesn't even have to be loss of a person. Loss of a job, loss of health etc. There are so many that could use encouragement. We can be the encouragement.